The Most Obscene Algorithm

Destiny’s Apologist

The concept of fate has been somewhat misrepresented in popular culture. It needn’t be thought of as an arcane mystical force, like karma; on the contrary, belief in fate is entirely rational. Fate is the idea that everything that happens is inevitable, unavoidable and has been destined to occur since the beginning of time.

It may sound esoteric, but it is not, it is simply a matter of epistemology versus ontology. Whilst epistemology pertains to what we know, ontology pertains to what is. On an epistemological level, fate may appear to be bogus, as we cannot know the future and so it may seem absurd that the future is already written, so to speak; however, fate is not epistemological, it is ontological.

For example, if somebody rolls a dice, the number upon which the dice lands may seem random, and on an epistemological level, it is; but on an ontological level, it is not at all random, for the number that the dice lands on is determined in absolute totality by the physical conditions in which the dice is thrown; it would be entirely possible to determine the outcome of a dice roll if we were capable of calculating all of the variables, but we are not, and therein lies the illusion of randomness, it is not randomness, but rather our sensory limitations that are at play. If a dice lands on six, then it was always going to land on six, it was inevitable, nothing could prevent it, we were simply unable to attain awareness of that fact until the dice had been thrown.

So fate is for real, fate is inescapable. By all means, ignore it, pretend it isn’t there, you can think what you like, but fate doesn’t care; in fact, fate knew what you’d think before even you did, fate can’t be fooled, and to try only proves it.

Oh Your God

Belief in God, the ubiquitous character-weakness, skilfully masquerading as a virtue. For a mentally-constructed coping mechanism, God has done rather well for Himself, carving out an impressive living over the aeons, playing the role of the ever present imaginary friend for the young of mind. Fear of death and an inability to handle bereavement are the true motivations that compel individuals to accept the existence of God; all else is mere rationalisation. Although having said that, I’m probably being unduly lenient in using a derivative of rational to describe the convoluted mental gymnastics to which believers will frequently resort in their attempts to demonstrate the existence of their beloved watchman in the sky.

Also baffling are the arguments they concoct to excuse the lack of evidence for God’s existence. A popular example is air, which is often used to illustrate the existence of things that cannot be observed; people will say “you cannot see air, yet you know it exists” as if this somehow gives credence to their belief. Of course this is little more than semantic hand-waving; for although we cannot see air, we can nevertheless infer its existence through other means; seeing is not the only way to observe or measure something.

When people say that they do not believe in God because they “cannot see God”, they are not literally making the statement that they don’t believe due to an absence of visible evidence; they are merely using the word ‘see’ as verbal shorthand for sensory inference in general.

So, whilst we cannot see air with our eyes, we can ‘see’ it with, for example, our skin, as we feel it rushing past us on a windy day. God on the other hand, cannot be seen via any means whatsoever; the air analogy, like all others that try to make the case for God, is a feeble exercise in metaphorical fallacy.

Seven Things You Didn’t Need To Know About The United States Of America

The United States Of America

America, land of the free, home of the brave. America is the undisputed world champion of freedom; and if you are lucky enough to be an American, you will enjoy virtually unlimited freedom; provided you believe in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Christian values, democracy and liberty, possess an unbridled hatred of gays and lesbians, a relish for guns, a morbid disdain for and general disapproval of poor people, an unquenchable thirst for money, the intense desire to work yourself into the ground and unquestioning conformity to the arbitrary lifestyle regime of the American way, you’re pretty much free to do whatever the hell you like, unless it’s against the law, or the Constitution, or the Bill of Rights, or the Bible, or nature. Americans are also very brave, which isn’t at all surprising when you consider their gun laws.

The Constitution

The Constitution is the sacred document that the American people must abide by at all times, they follow it with the utmost devotion, apart from when they arbitrarily amend it to fit their own ideas. The Bill of Rights is the section of the Constitution that informs the incomparably free Americans of their rights, making them aware of what they can and cannot do, which is basically anything they want apart from anti-American things like being gay and not worshipping Jesus, and all the other stuff they aren’t allowed to do.

Democracy

Democracy is the political system under which the most free country in the world operates; it requires the American people to shuffle into a modified toilet cubicle once every four years to complete a brief paper-based test in which they have to guess which of the listed candidates loves Jesus the most; if enough people pass the test, then the Jesus-loving candidate in question gets to be President. Americans tend to study hard for this test, researching and revising all of the appropriate unbiased information so as to achieve passing grades and not feel like such imbeciles.

Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan was undoubtedly the greatest President in American history. Through his heroic deregulation of everything in the country, he brought about a utopia in which the 0.0000000000001% of Americans who ran a successful business or owned anything of value were now able to take care of the other 99.999999999999% of Americans with greater efficiency than ever before. He also got rid of taxes, which made him very popular, especially with those who had no need for electricity, heating, running water, schools, hospitals, safe roads, emergency services or social security. Finally, he single-handedly ended the Cold War, toppling Communism in the process, which paved the way for a more democratic lifestyle to flourish in the now former USSR.

The War On Terror

In September of 2001, the United States of America was attacked by Osama Bin Laden. The World Trade Centre was destroyed, prompting those who worked there to take the rest of the week off. The President, George Walker Bush, took immediate action by declaring war on Terror. America then spent the next several years fumbling about in the Middle East like a continent-sized baboon, carefully investigating every building that looked inhabited and freeing the shit out of civilians; in other words, business as usual. At present, the War On Terror still rages and although Osama Bin Laden has been brought to justice in the meantime, Terror continues to evade capture and is presently rumoured to be hiding somewhere in Iran, or Syria, or Yemen, or Israel.. no no wait, not Israel, what’s the other one..? Oh yeah, Palestine, or is it North Korea? No wait.. I don’t know.

The Enemy Of The State

The enemy of the State, also known as Socialism (i.e. Communism + Nazism + Atheism + Satanism) is the insane fringe belief in the virtuousness of fairness and equality, two of the most anti-American ideals to ever be idealised. Americans are required by law to hate socialism, and are forbidden from knowing anything about it, as they would then fall into the dangerous trap of realising that they actually are Socialists already.

The American Dream

The American dream is the unshakable belief that shameless money-grubbing and wanton self-gratification are infinitely more important than the well being of society at large. The American dream, a myopic, solipsistic seminal emission of greed and narcissism is the opiate of the American people and encompasses everything that they stand for and believe in.

God Bless America!

For Those In The Waiting Womb

When I think of those who are yet to be born into this hope-forsaken world, I feel a most unwelcome combination of sorrow and despair. Those who are shortly to breathe their first breath in the supposedly privileged western hemisphere can look forward to all the freedom and excitement of an existence already choreographed to a tee before the umbilical cord is cut. Awaiting them, after some three or four years of quickly forgotten playtime, are twelve or so years of tightly regimented lessons in pedantry and meticulous character-moulding, the conceited cynicism of which is craftily disguised with the help of carrot-on-a-string optimist propaganda and innocuous sounding buzzwords like ‘education’ and ‘development’.

Then, having been pumped full of useless facts and trivia, their ears ringing with the sound of screeching bells and the ominous tick tocking of ever-present wall clocks, it’s off to university they march, there to be smartened up and polished off for the dutiful life that awaits, and what a life it is.

Forty to fifty years of brain-meltingly monotonous labouring, always reaching for that ever elusive proverbial carrot, never quite managing to grasp it, though remaining ever hopeful. A mindless slave to the cult of the living wage, kept in line by the passive threat of abject destitution should they be laid off for not keeping up with the herd, the fear of which looms overhead all ominous cloud-like, prompting the most agreeable behavior like a sort of pre-emptive halo, thereby functioning in the most sinister fashion as the proverbial stick to maintain balance with the lofty temptation of the proverbial carrot, a temptation that might otherwise compel them to do something foolish like take the initiative.

Of course, over the decades that pass they’ll inevitably have a fair amount of exposure to an array of insipid platitudes, you know the kind of thing I mean, puke-summoning tautological fluff such as ‘life is for living’; and naive though they may be, they will at the very least be aware of the hedonistic pleasures that life can afford those with time and money to dispense with; but the status quo need not fear, for they would not dare forsake the deeply ingrained conditioning of their education, conditioning that spared no opportunity to instill in them the low self-esteem necessary to facilitate resignation to the idea that life is something one saves for the weekend, and grateful for the precious two out of seven days a week of actual living, after all, it could have been a mere one out of seven, so best not to complain, right? Right.

Finally, for those who have managed to avoid dropping dead in the meantime, retirement now beckons; and having been worked into the ground for half a century, the status quo can rest safe in the knowledge that the poor sausages will now be feeling far too exhausted and mentally drained to have any bright ideas, and even then, what would be the point of trying anything clever on this side of the hill? And so, another ten or twenty increasingly ache-filled years of mundane sofa-dwelling, resentful brooding and the nihilistic emptiness that grows ever more pervasive with age, and then it’s all over; ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

And in all that time, they never moved, not one proverbial inch. The race was a farce, it had no finish line, the track was a treadmill, the competition was a sham and the prize was fool’s gold.

I really cannot help but feel sorry for the vast legions of unborn organisms upon whom the vile curse of sentience will shortly be bestowed; the myriad soon-to-be-victims of mortal existence who have all of the senseless misery that this life foists upon the living to look forward to. Still, you only live once, if that’s any consolation.

Life Goes Off

Birth. Cry. Reward. Cry. Punishment. Action. Reward. Action. Punishment. Boredom. Fear. Boredom. Action. Punishment. Action. Tumbleweed. Action. Tumbleweed. Expectation. Disappointment. Anguish. Action. Tumbleweed. Fear. Action. Tumbleweed. Fear. Action. Reward. Action. Punishment. Action. Tumbleweed. Action. Punishment. Boredom. Action. Tumbleweed. Boredom. Pain. Fear. Shock. Denial. Anguish. Fear. Suffering. Consolation. Pain. Agony. Death.

Peace Isn’t Free

In a civilised society, there can exist freedom and there can exist peace, but there cannot exist both simultaneously, for in order that peace be maintained, freedom must be restrained. Civilisation cannot be both free and peaceful; it can be only one or the other, or neither.

Economy Of Choice

If people were not so greedy, if people were not so narcissistic, if people were not so prone to hoarding, if people were not so opposed to sharing, then there would be no need for an economy.